My Lord and My God!

Lent is over. Easter has come! The second Sunday of Easter has long meant I am deeply uncomfortable in the pew. On a shallow level, it isn’t fun hearing my namesake, St. Thomas, in today’s Gospel. The “Doubting Thomas” moniker always made me scoot down in the pew and blush a little as a kid.

But then I shed tears. Yes, this passage has brought me to tears and not out of embarrassment but out of being seen, being loved, and being invited into Christ’s wounds He bears for me and you.

I, like you, bear wounds. Some wounds are earned in our compulsions, our sins. Some wounds we receive from broken homes, broken society, and a world after the fall of Adam and Eve.

There was a very significant wound in my life that I kept clutched deep in me. It was a wound that I refused to acknowledge and certainly not a wound for others to see let alone for God to be in.

This wound came from a lack of physical affection received as a child, from being bullied as a child, from a deeply negative view of myself. This led to a desire to be fulfilled. Sometimes that was through being a high achiever, sometimes that was through compulsive behaviors and habits. I was a mystery to myself, not understanding why I struggled with repetitive sins.

I blamed myself harshly. I viewed myself as a shameful, unlovable wretch of a man. I hated myself. I desired to not exist. Then graces started to make inroads in my heart, and I let my guard down a little bit.
Over and over again, God showed me He could be trusted. Little by very little, I began to trust in Him more. Wounds were being healed but I was holding back my deepest area of shame. Finally, Jesus gently nudged me in Eucharistic adoration last Fall to surrender more deeply to Him that burden I carried.

I did.

Far beyond my dreams, He entered into that wound. He showed me that the wound that ate up my heart, that hole in me, was the perfect size for placing His Eucharistic Heart in, making me His monstrance.

The Lord was providing me with grace and healing long before I finally cried out to Him in surrendering more completely to Him. He was patient with me. Allowing me to hold back some, allowing my trust and faith in Him to grow so I would be ready to take the leap into His arms. He has been restoring me to the child He received on May 5, 1991, when I was born again in the water and Holy Spirit in my Baptism.

There is a beautiful tradition in our faith of striking your breast when the priest raises the body and blood of Jesus at the consecration (when the bells ring extra-long). Striking your breast three times, praying, “My Lord and my God!”

I wept thinking about His immense love for me. He has permitted me to ignore Him, reject Him, and yet He loves me, and desires for me to receive Him body, blood, soul and divinity every time I approach the altar in a state of grace.

“My Lord and my God,” is a simple affirmation of faith. For St. Thomas, Jesus invited Him to a physical encounter to build up His belief. Jesus didn’t reject him in his weakness, He drew Thomas into His precious wounds. He invites you too! Will you invite Him into your wounds?

Fr. Arisman may have shared with you a moving story of a man with some developmental issues in Springfield who would loudly shout out, “My Lord and my God!” at the consecration. While I don’t encourage you to shout aloud, let your heart proclaim it. Beg Jesus to transform you and draw you in at every Mass.

His mercy abounds for you because He loves you even when you ignore Him.

The best way to receive Him is to do so having unburdened your sins. Confession is regularly offered. Has it been awhile? Don’t let a month go by without going to confession to receive His divine mercy. He desires your good far more than you likely do. Let Him transform you in the Sacraments.

On April 15, I turn 33. Thirty-three is the age of our Lord when He entered into that most blessed and merciful act of love for you and me—His Passion, death and resurrection. I still have a long way to be configured to our Lord in love, but I do ask you to pray for me to grow in faith, hope and love as I continue to strive for His glory and my sanctification.

In Christ,
Thomas Marten, Seminarian
Kenrick-Glennon Seminary
5200 Glennon Drive
St. Louis, MO 63119